Cycle, New Girl, Studying

I don’t know where I want to go to college. I can’t figure it the fuck out. I also don’t have a job yet. My mom has basically been on my ass about that for like two years. What is wrong with me?

I feel like my life is just a useless cycle. I sit around fantasizing about my perfect life, and hate myself because mine is so pointless. Then when it comes time to actually do something about it, my mood is completely different and I just think Well, fuck it. I’ll just cry some and watch some television instead. Then I wake up the next day, feel guilty for failing, and the whole thing starts over again. Every single day.

It’s this feeling that makes me want to harm myself. I’m going back to therapy tomorrow, though. I hope it helps. I really just want to not hate myself..

I want to cry but I’ve been doing so much of that lately, I just feel numb. I think I’ll go cut myself. It will help.

I haven’t been getting along with my mom lately.

Today she said to me, “Melanie, did you clean the bathroom?”

“I sure didn’t.”

“Will you do it, please? It was supposed to be cleaned on Sunday and you told me you did it.”

“I never said that,” I replied bitchily.

I was watching the new episode of New Girl  and she was bothering me. Then I came upstairs to study for calculus to see she had taken my computer. I started yelling that I needed it to study, and she told me that I should have cleaned the bathroom.

So I went into the bathroom and started throwing things. I was so angry. I didn’t want to clean the fucking bathroom. I just wanted to sit in my room and study so that I could watch a movie and try to go to sleep. I hadn’t cleaned anything when my dad came in carrying my laptop. I assume my parents will fight about this later, but he said it was more important that I study.

So I studied and now I’m going to watch a movie or something before bed. Instead of reading or putting my laundry away or anything productive.

xoxo,

Melanie