Essays, College, Boyfriends

I feel really awful. Like I would really love to kill myself right now. Ugh.

Well, I have an english paper to write tonight (just a rough draft though), and we all know how I suck at doing homework. So I thought I’d update since I haven’t in like 5 days.

Today Allen and I went on a college visit. We both pretty much decided that’s where we’re going to go. It was gorgeous and huge and in a big city. I was sold. It’s the same school Steve goes to. Whilst we were in the city we went to lunch with him and his girlfriend. So that was good too because I’ll be around him and we can go out to lunch more often.

Oh, and Allen found out about my cutting last night. ‘Twas awkward. Basically we were just talking and it came up casually (I was really tired and didn’t really have a filter). After I said it we both just kind of stared at each other, as we realized what had just happened. We both ignored it though. We didn’t talk about it we just went on with our conversation. And everything was completely normal today so I don’t even know. I guess we’ll have to see if he ever mentions it. I kind of picture the conversation going like this;

He’ll say, “So the other night, when you said that you cut yourself…”

and I’ll lie, “Don’t worry about it. I’m better now, I haven’t done it in weeks.”

I see that happening because the only person I’ve ever actually sat down with and talked about it with was Laura. Because I was wearing shorts and my pant leg slipped up and she saw. But it’s different with Allen. He’s my best friend, but I still feel like he secretly doesn’t like me (I feel that way about everyone). Like he secretly finds me to be obnoxious as hell. So I don’t want to do anything to make him like me any less than he does already, because I want him in my life. Plus, when I panic, I lie.

I probably sound really pathetic. But oh well. I like this because I can say exactly what’s on my mind, no matter how pathetic it sounds because I don’t actually know any of you. Oh the wonders of blogging.

In other news, my cousin James came to live with us today. He’s been saying that he’s going to come stay with us for over a year. I never thought he’d actually do it but here he is.

He’s 20, and he’s a drug addict. That’s why he’s here. He’s from Arizona and all of his friends in his hometown are the friends he used to use drugs with. He wanted a fresh start, so my parents said he could stay here. I’m happy because he’s really cool. He’s making an effort to get better, and I admire that. He’s a tattoo artist and he has good taste in music. And he smokes, so maybe we could bond over cigarettes.

I’ve never even talked about this out loud, but I need a boyfriend. In my head, I can’t ever be happy if I’m alone. My mind has probably been poisoned by all the television I watch, but I want someone who I can tell everything to. Someone I can tell that I’m suicidal, I have an eating disorder, I secretly like Justin Bieber, I cut myself, I smoke, I hate most people, etc. Someone that will know me so well that we can just have an unspoken bond. If we’re out with friends and something happens to trigger my depression, my perfect boyfriend will notice and take me home where we can do something that makes me happy, like watching TV (I always watch TV when I’m depressed; I guess it’s nice to escape into other people’s lives for a while). Is that too much to ask?

xoxo,

Melanie