Executive Dysfunction

When I was younger I would wonder what was wrong with me. I felt like I was physically incapable of getting anything done. Sometimes having a deadline and a sense of urgency got me to do the work, but sometimes that wasn’t enough and I would end up in a downward spiral until I was having a panic attack instead of just doing the work. I even remember writing a journal entry on here back in 2012 wondering what was wrong with me. I said

It can’t just be extreme laziness.. can it?

 

I have since been diagnosed with ADHD and I know that there’s a term for this problem I’m describing: executive dysfunction. It’s nice to know that it isn’t extreme laziness, but that doesn’t make it any easier. When I was a kid it was homework, now as an adult I don’t have homework but I work from home and don’t have anyone directly supervising me – so the result is a very similar feeling of dread and not getting anything done.

I know that if I just be productive and get some work done during the day I’ll be able to actually relax in the evening without feeling like such a piece of shit. I’ve been sitting here for hours telling myself that and yet, I’ve ended up watching movie trailers and Ryan Gosling interviews on youtube for 90 minutes. It’s so frustrating I hate myself. Even now, I’m writing this journal entry when I should be doing work for my job or planning my wedding or even cleaning the bathroom.

I’m gonna try to get some work done now before Carl gets home. Wish me luck.