I’m so sick of hating myself. I want to be happy. But I’ve been saying that for like 15 fucking years and here I am, still unhappy with myself. Sometimes I wonder if there’s even a point in trying anymore. I’m no longer suicidal and I very rarely hurt myself these days so I am doing a bit better in general. But I still just hate myself like I always have.
Why can’t I just have a nice routine and be normal?
- Wake up on time and be productive at work all day
- Take a walk on my lunch break
- In the evenings, read and/or play video games with the boys
- Go to bed at a decent time
The thing is, that is never going to happen. It sucks to admit but I don’t think that will ever be my life, I’m just not programmed that way. I need to be setting realistic goals. I have a journal/planner thing that is supposed to help, but I haven’t been using it.
I’m just exhausted. Life has felt like an uphill battle since I was a kid. I get so overwhelmed thinking about it, I just smoke weed and keep myself distracted.
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