I don’t know how much I’ve mentioned it, but I really, really fucking love my cat. She means the world to me. So, the past few days have been an emotional roller coaster for me.
On Tuesday night I went to get my cat and bring her to bed (cause she sleeps with me every night), but she seemed really scared. And her pupils were dilated. I was going to sit with her on my lap for a bit while I read, but she just seemed so frightened it was worrying me, so I wrapped her in my arms and decided to just go to sleep with her. In the morning, she wouldn’t eat her breakfast (which she usually comes running to), and she was walking a lot slower than usual. Then when I got home from school and tried to pick her up she wouldn’t let me, like she was afraid of me or something.
So I took her to the vet. Turns out, she’d gone blind. I started crying. The doctor said that she had high blood pressure, and that caused retina detachment. He took some blood and urine samples and said he would run some tests to try to figure out what caused the hypertension. He said I should take her home and just make sure she felt safe and secure, because she was still really scared. Which is understandable because I know I, too, would be freaking the fuck out if I just randomly went blind and didn’t know why.
At home she sat down on the floor and didn’t really move for the rest of the night. I was supposed to be working on a paper, but I was so worried about her I couldn’t concentrate. I emailed my professor and told him and he said that I should just turn in the paper “whenever it’s done”. So I curled up with my cat and went to sleep. She kept waking up in the middle of the night and meowing like crazy, only calming down when I hugged her to assure her that I was still there. I even sang to her a couple of times, though I have no idea if that had any effect on her or not.
Thursday after school I was getting ready to go to Melanie’s softball game when I heard my cat whining. She was crying hysterically and I couldn’t find her. I finally looked under the couch and turns out she had gotten herself wedged between the two chairs, and she couldn’t get out. I had to tilt the couch backwards and wiggle her out. She was so scared. It was sad, because this wouldn’t have ever happened if she could see, but also adorable because, well, I just can’t help but think everything she does adorable.
She was shaking and still whining so I scooped her up and sat on the couch with her on my lap. She calmed down but she just felt wrong. She was lighter than usual, was barely moving, and she wasn’t purring. That’s what worried me the most. Usually she’s a fucking motorboat, purring if you even come close to her. I started crying again. I hugged her so tightly that, if she’d had the strength, she would have scratched me, and kissed her a whole bunch of times. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and that she better be okay or I’d be pissed, but I knew if I started talking the tears would be uncontrollable. And I had to leave to get to Mel’s game. What I didn’t know then, was that was the last time I’d ever see my cat.
I was late to Melanie’s game, but mostly because I got lost, not because of my cat. On the way there I picked up Mel’s kind-of-boyfriend, Alex. Melanie and Alex aren’t dating because he technically still has a girlfriend. They hang out all the time and I’m pretty sure they’ve already said ‘I love you’, but Alex says he’s waiting for his girlfriend to come visit (she lives a couple of states away), so he can break up with her in person, or something like that.. I don’t know, and it really isn’t any of my business. Anyway, I picked up Alex and we got lost, then watched Melanie’s game together. After the game we hugged her and told her how good she did, and she asked us to pick her up some purple tights on our way home. See, Mel and I were going to the midnight premiere of The Hunger Games, and she was going to dress up as the red-headed Avox, and she needed tights.
Alex and I stopped and Burger King because we were starving, and went to both Walmart and Hot Topic but couldn’t find any purple tights. Alex ended up giving me his purple skinny jeans to give to Melanie, which she accepted. Melanie and I went to the movie theater and met with Victoria. We had a great time, and I thought the movie was really good. Victoria kept laughing at parts that weren’t supposed to be funny though, which would make me laugh, which would make Mel hit me. By the time the movie was over it was three in the morning, and Melanie was going to stay the night at my house but her dad wouldn’t let her. So I went home and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Friday morning my dad came upstairs and I asked him how my cat was doing, since she wasn’t good the last time I saw her. He said that my cat wasn’t here. When I looked confused, he specified, “She died last night.”
My knees gave out and I cried. I cried so hard I thought I was going to pass out. This can’t be happening. No. It’s a sick joke.
I begged him to let me stay home from school. I didn’t want the attention of everyone staring at me when I burst into tears randomly. People wouldn’t understand. They’d think it’s just a cat. But she wasn’t ‘just a cat’. She meant the world to me. Coming home and seeing her asleep on my bed, her little bell ringing when she came up the stairs, the scratching noise she made when she wanted me to open the door to let her in. How soft she was, the way she rolled on her back when she wanted me to pet her belly, the fact that she would fall asleep in the middle of the kitchen floor. That’s how it’s been since I was five. I couldn’t imagine her not being there. She’s always been there. Always.
But he made me go to school. And I cried. And I got the attention I knew I would get, but didn’t want. Stella and Melanie were there to comfort me. It seemed like the day would never end. I just kept closing my eyes and picturing her, and hearing her purring. After school Nicole and Stella sent me all of the pictures they had of my cat, and my dad gave me her collar. When he handed me the collar I collapsed again. I went to my room and locked the door. I didn’t cry though. I was out of tears, too exhausted to cry. I laid in bed all day. Watching Nicole’s Friends DVDs. At about ten Melanie texted me.
Are you asleep? If so, wake up. You might be getting two guests.. ;)
Then Alex texted me,
I'm so sorry about your cat. I know she meant a lot to you <3 How are you doing?
That’s how I knew the other guest would be Alex. I texted Melanie.
I'm awake, bring me nuggets?
Alex and Melanie came over, with 20 chicken nuggets and about 50 packets of ketchup, and watched reruns of That ’70s Show with me for a couple of hours. They claimed it was because they were bored, but I know it’s because Melanie didn’t want me to be alone. She’s a really great friend that way. After they left I tried to go to sleep but every time I tried I’d see my cat, and my throat would burn, and I’d start to cry again. So I kept watching television. I watched until I was so tired that my eyelids wouldn’t stay open.
The next day, yesterday, my dad and I went on another college visit. I actually really liked the school. Which isn’t going to make the decision a whole lot easier. We came home and I sat down and watched television for the entire rest of the night, until I fell asleep at ten.
Today I woke up at noon and turned on the TV. It wasn’t until dinner that I realized I still hadn’t written my paper. It’s been four days since I asked for my extension, and I know I need to turn it in soon. But I couldn’t focus. For a while I just saw with my knees at my chest and rocked back and forth. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Perhaps it’s my cat’s death still tugging at me, or it could just be my usual depression. Either way, I didn’t get anything done. Melanie made me promise her that I’d get it done tomorrow, though. I think that keeping my promise to her might actually be motivation enough to get it done. But who knows.
xoxo,
Melanie
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