Caroling, Solitude, the future

before i begin; I should tell you my shift key is being moody today. please excuse my poor punctuation.

My mom, dad, Steve, John, James, and i went Christmas caroling at the mall today. it was my mom’s idea. She’s always eager to do stuff like that. and she’s fragile, emotionally. So we couldn’t just tell her it was a horrible, embarrassing idea. we all just did it to make her happy. Which i guess was nice of us, but it was still mortifying.

I guess I shouldn’t imply that it was a horrible time because it wasn’t. I was singing next to Steve and we had a good time. He rapped some of the songs, i started singing in a southern accent, and a couple of times we both messed up lyrics so terribly that we burst out laughing in the middle of the song. So it wasn’t all bad.

Ever since my dad retired back in October he’s been home like, all the time. And now the past couple of weeks James has been home all the time too. Don’t get me wrong, i love my cousin and my dad. but i miss having time alone in the house. Time for me and my cat to watch Ellen after school without being disturbed.

i got some of that alone time today. it was nice. It was after caroling. my dad and i left early because he had to help his friend with something and he can’t drive so i took him. After we got home and he went to help his friend I had 45 glorious minutes by myself. I spent them dancing and singing loudly in the kitchen with my cat.

i have my motivation back (the motivation i found randomly yesterday in the shower but then lost during my meltdown about the future). my motivation to actually do things besides lay around. I remembered to take my pill this morning, and then at school I was talking to nicole and we talked about the other options i have. There are state schools in the area that are willing to give me very generous scholarships because of my grades. I plan to apply to those and i am probably going to apply for the honors program at the college i was accepted to 9they give you a big scholarship if you get into the program).

i realized that i don’t really have any idea where I’m going to be this time next year. but that’s okay. I could be at the college I was accepted to with Allen and Steve. i could be living here and going to a community college. I could be at some other state school somewhere else. there are so many possibilities I don’t know why i freaked out so bad last night.

i do that sometimes. I’m a very paranoid and emotional person (if you hadn’t noticed0.

So yeah. i am going to actually clean my room right now. Like i was going to do last night before my melt down.

xoxo,

Melanie