Motivation, Fighting, Awkward

I got a surge of motivation today in the shower. I don’t know where it came from because I haven’t been taking my pills.

But before I go to do things, I was really in the mood to make a post. Although I don’t know what to write about..

I am very sure that Allen is mad at me. He didn’t go to school on Wednesday or Thursday and when he was present on Friday he didn’t speak to me. I tried talking to him via Skype Friday night. He replied with one and two word responses, and then promptly signed off. I’ve also texted him twice in the past 48 hours with no reply. I wish I knew what he was upset about. He isn’t usually mad at me for this long.

If it were anyone else I wouldn’t worry about it, but I know that Allen used to cut himself, and he contemplates suicide on a regular basis. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells at times like this. Like if I don’t talk to him he’ll think I don’t care and then do something stupid, but if I do talk to him and say the wrong thing he’ll do something stupid.

That probably sounds hypocritical coming from someone who cuts themselves and is suicidal; I guess I care about his feelings more than mine.

I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells around my cousin, James, also. ‘Tis awkward because formerly I would only see him like once a year. And now he’s here all the time. My mom wants us to spend more time together. So we’re going to volunteer together at the Humane Society downtown. I’m both excited and nervous.

I know this is short and I apologize for how boring my life is. I’m going to go clean my room and apply for a job or two now.

xoxo,

Melanie