I apologize for yesterday’s horribly depressing entry. My darkness was really overpowering all weekend. Today was better.
The morning started off awful. I went to class, and didn’t have my rough draft finished. We did peer editing and I just felt really stupid showing people my four paragraphs. I thought about death the whole way home. At home I laid down on the couch and ended up falling asleep. By the time I woke up I only had 4 minutes to get ready. Only enough time to brush my teeth and change my clothes.
I got to school and I was just in an awful mood. Allen was trying to talk to me about something and I just kind of nodded along. I know he could tell that I wasn’t feeling well, and then I felt bad because just because I’m having a bad day doesn’t mean I should be rude to him. I just kept thinking, ‘I hate life and I want to die”. I thought it over and over again until finally I went to the bathroom and cut myself. I felt better after that.
After that the day was almost good. At lunch Allen, Melanie, Nicole, Stella and I discussed plans for my birthday. We’re all going to play twister and have a pinata. I might force them to watch Lord of the Rings or something too :) In French I had a good, normal, friendly conversation with the teacher because I finished my work way before anyone else. And on the way home a little girl randomly waved at me. I waved back, and she smiled at me. It made me feel good.
After school I went to work with my mom, and she paid me. We worked until about 6, then I got a call from Nicole begging me to come pick her up because she was bored out of her mind at Laura’s house. I picked her up and we went and bought my pinata. It’s shaped like Spongebob Squarepants. It was a tough decision between that and a lavender and pink unicorn. I would have liked that one because I have a unicorn pillow pet that is lavender and pink. Her name is horny. Spongebob ultimately won simply because it was cheaper.
I still have to apply for colleges. I need to apply at some in Chicago and also some state schools that I can get a full ride scholarship for. I’m dreading that because you have to write essays. And as we all know, I can’t write essays worth shit.
I overheard a conversation at school today about evolution verses creation.
The girl with black hair said, “There isn’t any evidence to support creation though!”
and the one with brown hair said, “That’s why it’s called faith.”
“There is evidence to support evolution. It happened.”
“You don’t have faith do you?”
“No. I’m an atheist.”
Nicole also heard this, and when the black haired girl said that she was an atheist Nicole instantly stuck her nose up and looked at the girl with black hair like she had some terminal, contagious illness. I don’t understand that.
Why does it always seem negative when someone talks about atheism? Being an atheist simply means that you don’t believe in God. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t nice to people. Or that you don’t still help others. Or that you worship Satan. I just don’t understand. I know plenty of atheists, and they are all really nice and funny and friendly people. I wish people would stop being so closed minded all the time.
I’m going to go watch 90210 now.
xoxo,
Melanie
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