Tonight I went to my friend’s bonfire. She turned 18 today but it wasn’t really a birthday party. Allen wasn’t there. He did talk to me today though. After ignoring my texts for a long time he logged into Skype and I messaged him. All he said back was “hi” and then he proceeded to ignore me. I guess the reason he stopped responding to me last night wasn’t because he did anything stupid, he was angry at me. I finally texted him “please talk to me” and he said something about not wanting to be a bother. I’m not completely sure why he’s mad at me, because he’s so damn stubborn, but I think he thinks that I don’t like him or appreciate him or something because we haven’t hung out the past couple of weeks. I reminded him that he hasn’t made an effort to hang out with me either, and how I was freaking out all night last night because I was worried about him. He didn’t reply.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how serious this fight is because it’s pretty impossible to sense emotions via texting. I do know that I cried though. I cried for like an hour when he stopped replying the second time. I hate that he’s mad at me, and that even though I apologized he still won’t talk to me, and I hate that he’s hurting and I hate that he doesn’t care how much he scared me last night with his suicide talk. I’m going to see him tomorrow in Calculus (he sits in front of me), and I have a feeling he is just going to not acknowledge me. It’s what he usually does when he’s angry. I’m worried because he really is my best friend and if we stopped being friends I don’t.. I really don’t know how I would deal with that. Oh and now I’m crying again. Awesome.
Anyway, about the bonfire. My friend has a huge yard, and we played hide and seek. We also sat around the fire and told stories and roasted hot dogs. It wasn’t very much fun though. Nicole stepped in dog poop. I think my friend Melanie (I’ll have to tell you about her sometime. She’s one of my good friends) might have seen my cuts. I was really tired and still feeling bad from my kind of fight with Allen. Plus, I forgot to take my pill (I take antidepressants) this morning, so that did not help. Everyone was supposed to be leaving at 10, but at like 8:30 I was just ready to leave. So I grabbed Nicole, and we stopped at a gas station on the way home and got a lot of junk food. I’m currently binging on that junk food.
Today was just not a good day at all. My dad is telling me to do the dishes. I’ll probably do those when I’m done binging and crying.
xoxo,
Melanie
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