Television, Invisibility, Jobs

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot. So this post will probably be long, and choppy. But bear with me.

I think I am addicted to television. Just another thing to add to my list of addictions; cigarettes, cutting, food, and now, television. I googled it, and turns out TV addiction is legit. It isn’t like, recognized as an actual disorder in the medical community, but it’s out there.

I don’t think it’s a consistent addiction either. It happens in phases, if that makes sense. Every time I discover a show, I find all the episodes online and watch them. Once I start watching a new show, it’s the only thing I want to do. I don’t sleep, I don’t go to school, I don’t do my homework; all I want to do is watch whatever show it is. And when I’m not watching it, I’m thinking about it. Thinking about the characters and acting out scenarios in my head. But then, after I finish the show, I am okay again. I am sad, and miss watching it, but my life begins to be normal (as normal as it ever is) again. I start doing other things like cleaning, my homework, hanging out with friends, reading, etc.

I just wish I was in that normal state of mind all the time. I wish I could watch TV like a normal person: in moderation.

 

 

I was thinking today and I am completely invisible at my school. Probably because I don’t like any of the kids and I don’t interact with anyone outside my tiny circle of friends. Today in Government, someone was giving a presentation about PETA. The teacher asked what PETA was an acronym for, and the kid presenting didn’t know the answer. So I said, “People for the ethical treatment of animals..”

This obnoxious girl who sits next to me (she is honestly my least favorite person on the face of the earth, but I’ll tell you about her some other time) gasped and was like, “She speaks.”

Maybe it bothered me more than it should have. It’s not like she was mistaken; I really don’t talk in that class. It could be just because I hate dislike the bitch so much. But it made me realize how really invisible I am at that school. I could show up wearing a chicken costume and no one would even glance my direction. It made me feel really lonely. Like I could actually disappear and just never go to school again and no one would notice.

Speaking of the kids at my school, they’re all awful. Okay maybe not all of them, but just about. Especially this one girl in my Current Events class. Today we were watching the news and they showed a story about a soldier who surprised his daughter at her high school. They had an emotional reunion and the girl was crying. After the reunion, the news station interviewed the girl. Naturally, her face was a little bit red from crying. She also had straight, blonde hair, braces, and a little bit too much eye shadow. Not enough to make her look trashy, though. Anyway this girl in my class goes, “Holy fuck that girl is ugly.” and everyone in the class started laughing.

I was speechless. Like, really? She was not ugly. It’s shit like that that makes me want to shoot myself. Even if she was ugly, what would be the point in saying that and making fun of her? She just reunited with her father who she hadn’t seen in months. I am so ashamed of my generation. I also heard kids the other day saying that Adele was ugly and “really fucking fat”. Which is total bullshit because Adele is gorgeous. It just makes me want to cry.

I remember when Jamey [insert last name here] committed suicide for being gay (’twas all over the news) a couple of months ago. After I heard about it, I was watching one of his videos on Youtube and there were comments from people saying they’re glad he did it. And that it’s what he deserved. I cried.

Why are kids so unbelievably cruel? I like to think it’s just my school but I am absolutely terrified that I am going to go to college and be around the same type of people.

 

I kind of like this boy in my class. He’s a junior, but he’s adorable. And he’s nice to me, which is rare. He’s in my French class and I catch him looking at me sometimes. He has a girlfriend though, so I assume it’s nothing.

I haven’t been talking to Kurt a whole lot, in case you were wondering.

Oh and I think I’m fighting with Allen. I don’t even know. He is so confusing and I am so emotionally tired about worrying if he’s mad at me or not. I don’t even want to get into detail about our kind-of fight. I’ll wait to see if he talks to me at school tomorrow.

Oh and I need a job. My mom said she is going to take my computer away if I don’t have five applications turned in by Sunday. But I’m 18 now, so at least I have a lot more options.

xoxo,

Melanie